Insidious Squirrels! - Notes from Dozer

Dottie finally returned to the fold and brought treats! Apparently those squirrels are now using brainwashing techniques and cruel torture to infiltrate our troops! Dottie says she was kidnapped by a battalion of squirrels and taken to their secret outpost under the garden shed. After hours of playing Crazy Eights, eating rawhide chewies with liver dip and drinking aged-to-perfection toilet water, Dottie said that it seemed to make sense to invite the squirrels into the house. She said the squirrels released her with the treats as a sign of good faith. I can see no good of this coming and I feel we must say strong or we will succumb to these long-tailed rodents. Cooper unfortunately dove into the rawhide chewies and liver dip with total abandon so I don't see him being a big help. I continue to recover my injuries (like I am going to 'forgive and forget' the squirrels and my fight with them? Not!) and have sandbagged all the doors to the outside. I called Home Depot and they are delivering wooden slats to cover the windows and I am putting spikes in the flue of the fireplace. Those squirrels will not take over the house!

"Listen those squirrels are really nice and you should see their pantry! They have bags of treats and the most amazing liver dip, you guys should come play Crazy Eights with us!

I tried one of the chewies and it was good...but my injury reminds me of my duty to Whack A Squirrel.

Cooper has forgotten all his training and
has fallen to our prey's wiley ways!

He also fell asleep while on duty again.

We Have Been Overrun! Send HELP!

Note sent to Tank, Head Commandant of "Whack-A-Squirrel":

We started our last offensive by trying to dislodge the enemy from the apple tree. I pulled while Dottie barked to confuse the flying rodents.

I gave my task all my energy, pulling and twirling.

Those darn squirrels refused to let go and kept pelting me with branches and stuff. It was most distressing!

Then I turned around and saw the squirrels running to the shed and laughing at us.

Dottie kept watch at the tree while I ran after the squirrels.
I almost had the squirrels when natured "called". This put me in a vulnerable position, if you know what I mean. While I was otherwise engaged, the squirrels attacked me and I was wounded in the paw defending myself.

Although the wound is most painful and requires a lot of expensive medicine, I want to get back to the front lines.

My nurse administers my ointment and antibiotics twice a day to stave off the rampant infection from the squirrels. Yes, I have "squirrel cooties".

We have not seen Dottie since the battle but Cooper thinks she is under the shed taking up a defensive position. I am in the sick tent and Cooper is maintaining our front line as well as he can. It would not be unseemly to say 'WE NEED HELP AND WE NEED IT NOW'! Whatever you can send and as soon as you can send it would be nice.

(Mother's Note: Dozer did not get bitten by a squirrel. He does not have "squirrel cooties". He has a staph infection on his paw and he is getting lots of antibiotics and other medicine. He is not in ICU nor is his life in an danger.)

Message to Mango

Mango Man:

We need whatever you can send, we are running low on acorns to lob at them and we are completely out of rubber band guns. We were going to send Dottie out on a night mission but being blind, she got lost in the garden and we found her behind the composter asleep this morning. Mum said suiting us up each morning before she goes to work is getting a little ridiculous but she is not the one keeping our yard and America safe from flying rodents.

Our biggest concern right now is that the squirrels are ringing the doorbell and then running up trees and hiding. Cooper says they are doing this to wear us out. Mum says it has to stop or it will drive Dad nuts. These people have no priorities!

Thanks Mango, we await anything you can send. Please do not send PeeWee.

Love, Dozer, Cooper and Dottie (once we find her)

Whack A Squirrel - Regional Commander Reporting

NW Regional Command - Report from Commander Dozer, Esq.

Commandant Tank:
(Click here for the Main Site for Whack-A-Squirrel)

Herewith is the report of the NW Regional Command on the Squirrel Wars. As instructed, I have recruited staff to help with the ongoing battles with the squirrels. Thank you for sending our flak jackets and helmets. They have been of incredible help during the daily skirmishes with the long-tailed rodents of the trees.

Commander Dozer Edwards Staff Sargent Cooper Edwards
In-charge of communications and supplies
Recruit Dottie, who is listening for vibrations through the floor of squirrel activity under the base building. We have intercepted coded messages which lead us to believe that the squirrels are attempting to infiltrate our headquarters and disable our battalion.

The following are images captured on our last reconnaissance raid:

The enemy has newer weapons than we had been led to believe they possessed. We are renting all four Star Wars movies so we can learn how to take on these space cadets and conquer them.

The squirrels continue to use heavy warfare against us. The backyard is beginning to look a lot like the surface of the moon. But we will not fail in our mission.

We have discovered that the squirrels like to smoke after battles. We are leaving cartons of cigarettes around the battlefield in the hopes they will smoke so much they will get lung cancer and keel over. Staff Sargent Cooper states that this takes much longer than we have time for, but we can also locate the squirrels at night when they light up. We plan to have more night battles.

Another shot of the enemy using their bazookas.

Many of the enemy have drinking problems. We are inviting them in for cocktails each evening before our battles to see if we can get them inebriated and then tie them up with shoelaces. To date this tactic has not worked. Staff Sargent Cooper passed out in his dog bed and Recruit Dottie got her head stuck in the Sangria pitcher. I continue to study the enemy's drinking habits.

We continue to need more recruits for the NW Region and gratefully request that any canines available please contact us as soon as possible.

Over and Out,

Regional Commander Dozer Edwards, Esq.