Sunday, June 21, 2009


There is no smoking in our house! Who told the squirrels they could smoke in the house?

There is no playing on the bedsteads!

There is no playing on the kitchen counters!

There is no playing in the garage!

Dear Tank, Mango, Howie PeePants, Sweetie, Sugar et al,

Goodness knows I do not want to put a damper on the War on Squirrels but enough is enough!

I do not like coming home and finding dozens of squirrels smoking in the house, playing Hearts and Crazy Eights, while munching on nuts and celery with peanut butter spread. (who pray tell is going to get the peanut butter out of the couch cushions? Hmm? Answer me that!)

You all know that you are not allowed to use matches and yet I find cigars, cigarettes and pipes littering the house. The curtains reek of smoke and there are ashes in all the flower pots. And the wisteria plant doesn't look well at all!

Filling the bathtub full of hot water and using it as a hot tub is not appropriate behavior on anyone's part. Warming towels in the oven is a HUGE NO-NO! Towels are flammable which means you could have burned the house down!

Ordering pizzas, DVD's and rental cars on my credit card is not funny.No one needs to order five copies of Die Hard and Charlotte's Web, we only have three televisions - what were you doing with the other copies? And by the way, those DVD's are now overdue and have charges.

As of this afternoon, all the squirrels have been removed from the house and are now on flights out of the State of Oregon. Fortunately the Department of the Interior has sympathy whereas I find you all have none. Your behavior by inciting this so called "war" is questionable. I am sure PETA would be very interested in this "war" and  how it is being conducted.

Dozer, Dottie and Cooper have been undergoing intensive therapy, the cost of which must be borne by me. The house is a wreck, the toilet has a birdfeeder wedged in it, and there is squirrel hair everywhere. While I am sure you all find this wildly amusing, I do not.

There will be no more squirrel wars in our neighborhood. Dozer herewith resigns as your "Northwest Regional Commander" and everyone's helmets have been locked up.

Don't bother calling, everyone's phone privileges have been revoked and Dozer, Dottie and Cooper are grounded until further notice.

I am sure your parents would be very interested to know what this little game has cost in terms of the condition of our home, let alone having to pay for therapy for three dogs because they now want to have squirrels over for sleepovers.


Nancy, Dozer, Dottie and Cooper's Mum


Checkers said...

that's why I have cats doing the job!

chicamom85 said...

The nerve of those furry rodents!! Smoking and playing cards, hot tubbing. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I wish you luck and I will support you completely. In this case PETA be dammed , the squirrels must go. Just don't send them to Michigan.
What about Iowa, lot of corn there I hear.

licks and sniffs, Sasha

Scottie the 'cutie' said...

Whoa...smoking and doing all those stuff in the house! No wonder they got chased away...I think my Mom would do the EXACT same thing too! *grins*


Mango said...

Phew! Glad that is over. They really liked your house, huh?

Hope the therapy works out for you. Might need some deprogramming now.


Melissa and Emmitt said...

oh my!
those squirrels are naughty little gremlins!
don't let dozer see that movie. it will not calm his nerves. :)

Moco said...

They are very sneaky creatures. I hope you win the lottery to pay for all this nonsense.

ocmist said...

We are so sorry to lose you three from the cause. You were really great, and we will have to be very careful around here not to allow the squirrels to brainwash us into letting them into our house. Thanks for the warning.

I doubt that Mom will make us stop our fight in this area because we started it when they started stealing her pecans...

Well, keep us up on the news about your de-programming, and rehab on the foot. Knowing you, Dozer, I'm sure you'll be figuring out something else to get into... uh, keep you occupied. Best Wishes, the Corgi Crew

wally said...

Oh my dog. Well, you guys can hang out with me because while the peppy sheppys wage war on squirrels, I co-exist peacefully. Also with cats but don't tell.

wally t.

Cathy Santarsiero, "The Christmas Corgi" said...

What a wild party! Love it. Love it.